So, the Philistines attacked the Israelites and killed a ton of them.
The Isrealites were acting very entitled about the whole thing. "WHY?! Why do bad things happen to us?! God loves us best! What the heck? We only deserve GOOD things! We're so bewildered!" Etc.
So then they decided to remind God who He worked for. They grabbed the Ark of the Covenant (where God sat between some cherubim wings being all electrical and stuff, probably...that's what I saw on the History Channel, which is a very reputable source, because it has the word "history" in the title), and brought it into camp. They were all, "Look God! Here you go. Remember us? Cool. Now do your thing."
But they said this very, very, loudly. Like, so loudly that it scared the crap out of the Philistines.
The Philistines started trembling and whimpering about the loud noises. "Those noises are so scary! I want my Mommy!" Also, "There are probably some gods in that Israelite camp. Those gods will destroy us for sure. We heard some Isrealites shouting it, so it must be true! We are not the type of people to check our sources, or even Snopes anything. We like to take everything at face value, and the Israelites said to be scared, so..." And of course, "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! New things are scary! We are doomed!"
But then some of the Philistines realized that unbridled hysterics probably wouldn't be the best battle plan. "Guys," they said, "We should maybe stop whining about scary loud noises. It makes us seem unmanly. And manliness is the number one predictor of battle success. Trembling on the ground in fear of new things is probably not the manliest thing we have ever done. And there is a positive correlation between loads of machismo and annihilating your enemies in battle, so..."
So the Philistines decided to stop freaking out about toddler things. And they put on their manliest loin girders or whatever. And they made manly faces and manly noises to remind themselves how super manly they were. And they stomped their manly feet and went out into battle against the Israelites.
The Israelites brought their Ark-sitting, Cherubim-wing-inhabiting God on a throne, but it didn't matter. The Philistines were just so manly. And in their manliness, lo they defeated the Israelites that day. It was super tragic. But that's what you get for having an entitlement complex.
The End.
