The continuing saga of the Israelites in the desert...if something had gone horribly wrong and I were in charge of the Chosen People, instead of the Lord God Almighty.
The Israelites Complain To Moses at Marah
Then Moses ordered Israel to set out from the Red Sea, and they went into the wilderness of Shur. They went for three days in the wilderness and found no water, for the LORD God was not so great at putting things away where they belonged, and had accidentally put the water in the wrong desert without even noticing, for lo, the LORD had been daydreaming.
When the people came to Marah, they could not drink the water of Marah because it was bitter. That is why it was called Marah. Go figure. And the people complained against Moses saying, 'What shall we drink?' He cried out to the LORD; and the LORD said, 'Seriously? You guys are so picky. Do you know that when I was your age, all I had was country well water. And all my friends got to drink fancy city water and water from a refrigerator. But you know what? I lived. And you will too.'
And so the people begrudgingly drank the bitter water, and lo, many of them fell gravely ill that day, because the LORD had failed to realize that "bitter" was just an old-timey Israelite way of saying "unsafe to drink." Oops.
Manna in the Desert
The whole congregation of the Israelites complained against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. The Israelites said to them, 'If only we had died by the awkward flailing of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the fleshpots and ate our fill of bread; for you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.'
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Oh shoot! I totally just spilled this whole bag of manna bread all over everywhere. Ugh! See? I'm a klutz! Why do I even bother existing? Might as well just let the atheists have this one! Ugh!'
And Moses cried out unto the LORD, 'Would you like me to help pick that up for you?'
And the LORD said, 'No. No, it's fine. Five second rule and all that. It's pretty much ruined now!'
So Moses and the people gathered the LORD's spilled snack and ate of the manna.
Then Moses said to Aaron, 'Say to the whole congregation of the Israelites, "Draw near to the LORD, for the LORD will most likely drop snacks again. For our God is an absent-minded God."'
The LORD at Mount Sinai
On the morning of the third day there was thunder and lighting, as well as a thick cloud on the mountain, and a blast of angsty indie folk music so loud that all the people who were in the camp trembled. Moses brought the people out of the camp to meet God. They took their stand at the foot of the mountain. Now Mount Sinai was wrapped in smoke, because the LORD had accidentally set some things on fire again; the smoke went up like the smoke of a kiln, while the whole mountain shook violently as the LORD crashed about, searching fruitlessly for just one pair of matching socks....just one! As the angsty indie folk music grew louder and louder, Moses would attempt to speak to God and God would respond with irritable grumbling. When the LORD descended upon Mount Sinai, to the top of the mountain, the LORD summoned Moses to the top of the mountain, and Moses went up.
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Go down and warn the people not to break through to the LORD to look; otherwise many of them will perish in horror, for the LORD has not yet applied makeup, and the LORD's pores are unsightly, and greatly to be feared. So, too, are the dark under-eye circles of the LORD a terrifying sight.'
Moses said to the LORD, 'The people are not permitted to come up to Mount Sinai; for you yourself warned us, saying, "Set limits around the mountain and keep it holy. For the Almighty is introverting hard, and the alone time of the LORD is most sacred."' The LORD said to him; 'Go down, and come up bringing Aaron with you; but do not let either the priests or the people break through to come up to the LORD; for the LORD is the God of small, intimate friend groups. The LORD's social energy is drained with a holy quickness.' So Moses went down to the people and told them, and the Israelites rolled their eyes that day, for isn't introversion becoming the trendiest excuse for like, everything?
The Ten Commandments
Then God spoke all these words (so many words, and so quickly, it's a wonder anyone even keeps listening):
I am the LORD your God, who inadvertently made you to flee from the land of Egypt. You shall have no other Gods besides me. Because I'm pretty sure one of me is enough for anyone. Actually, I think we all know I'm probably not the most qualified. So if you want to find a better god, go for it! You're probably better off without me anyway. I'm kind of a mess.
You shall not make for yourself an idol. That sounds like a lot of unnecessary work. Also, I am a jealous God, and super whiny about being neglected. Bring me cheese offerings and celebrate the Festival of Naps, and we should be good, though.
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the LORD your God...aw, who am I kidding? I don't care. I'll answer to anything, and I honestly don't even care what you do with my name. It's fine. Whatever.
Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God, who is all about resting, and naps, and snuggly sleepy-time. Why do you people insist on being such busy bodies? For my sake, HOLD STILL. Just be quiet and stop wiggling. For just a single day. That's all I ask. Peace and quiet.
Honour your father and your mother, as long as they are honourable. But please do develop critical thinking skills. Don't just automatically assume that everyone in a position of authority is competent. For lo, that will most likely lead to your ruin.
You shall not murder. This dictate extends also to adorable sheep. We've been over this, but I want to take the opportunity to reiterate that I am dead serious about sheep murder.
You shall not commit adultery. That's just asking for drama. The last thing we need around here is more drama.
You shall not steal. Seriously. Someone just scammed their way into making fraudulent charges on my most holy credit card, and that was not cool. There are other ways of getting what you want. Maybe try those ways, and not the being-an-asshole ways.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Not a fan of that.
You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or ox, or donkey, or cheese, or nice clothes, or new car, or bank account, or successful career, or academic credetnials, or ability to be patient with their children, or manicure, or fancy vacation, or complete lack of clumsiness. Oh...wait. Wait. I'm projecting again. Sorry. Sorry. I should not covet those things. I need to work on that. I'm the worst. Ugh. Now I'm coveting my neighbor's self-esteem. Some day the LORD will be able to afford holy therapy. Someday.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Why I Should Never be God: Exodus, Part I
Wherein I posit myself as some sort of deity to illustrate why it's really, really good that I am not that thing. See more context on why this totally isn't blasphemy here: Why I Should Never be God: Genesis, Part I
Moses and the Burning Bush
Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law Jethro, the priest of Midian; he led his flock beyond the wilderness, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the bush; he looked, and the bush was blazing, yet it was not consumed. Then Moses said, 'I must turn aside and look at this great sight.'
When the LORD saw that he had turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, 'Moses, Moses!' And God said to him, 'Come no closer! I think I accidentally set this bush on fire! Oh my me, I a such a klutz! Sorry! Sorry about the fire!' But Moses proceeded closer to the bush, removing his sandals as he went. For Moses, like Abraham before him, was a terrible listener. And the LORD said, 'Wait! Seriously, don't come any further! I can't even find my fire extinguisher to put this thing out. Ugh! I'm a walking disaster, is what I am. No really. And why aren't you wearing shoes?' And Moses said to the LORD, 'The ground upon which I walk is holy ground, right?' And the LORD said, 'Oh my me, it is? I knew I set that shrub on fire, but are you telling me I accidentally put holes in the ground? Ugh. My flailing limbs and pointy elbows are such a deadly combination, I swear!' And God said further, 'I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. Also, I am the God of all those nameless women. They were important, too.' And Moses hid his face, for the LORD's pointy elbows were flailing dangerously again.
Then the LORD said, 'I have observed the misery of my people who are in Egypt, and I feel so, so guilty for not having done something sooner, that now I'm completely paralyzed and afraid to do anything at all. And indeed, I know their suffering, for lo, I am omniempathetic, which actually makes it even harder to act, as I am also paralyzed by grief. I am so terribly sorry for everyone's suffering. It's devastating. And as soon as I muster the emotional strength to come out of this pile of blankets and hesitantly descend this mountain, I promise I'll try to do something about it. If you want. I hate to impose.'
The Passover
Moses said, 'Thus says the LORD: About midnight, I will start craving tortilla chips and queso, and I will stagger sleepily through Egypt towards these snacks, bony limbs flailing. Then there will be a loud cry throughout the whole land of Egypt, such as has never been nor will ever be, on account of my dangerous limbs. Then all your officials shall come down to me, and say, "Leave us, you and all the annoyingly clumsy people who follow you." After that you will leave.'
The LORD said to Moses, 'Pharoah will not listen to you. No one around here ever listens. I might as well not even be speaking.' And Pharoah's heart was hardened, and he did not let the people go.
The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in the land of Egypt: Tell the whole congregation of Israel that on the tenth of this month--or whenever, I'm so bad at dates--they should take a lamb for each family, and raise it as a pet, because lambs are so cute. Don't take any lamb blood and do anything with it, because the lamb needs its blood for living. Do not roast it over a fire with its head, legs and inner organs. It needs those things for living. Also, lambs hate being roasted. We've had this discussion before. If you're hungry, I'm sure there are some crackers on top of the fridge. Eat those, and not sweet baby lambs. You can eat those crackers however you want, but just make sure you're already wearing your sandals and your loin girders, because I hate waiting for people to put on sandals and loin girders when we should have left already. And you shall eat hurriedly, because oh my me how long does it take you people to eat? Just shove it in and be done with it already! Does everything have to be such a long, drawn-out ordeal? It is the passover of the LORD. For I will stumble through the land of Egypt that night in search of chips and queso, and I will accidentally destroy a bunch of things, because I honestly can't be bothered to concern myself with my physical surroundings. I am the LORD. Smear some brightly colored paint or something on your door frames...not sheep blood...paint. I cannot stress this enough. The paint might make it easier for me to avoid crashing into your dwelling places...hopefully. This day shall be a day of remembrance for you, probably. I mean, I would remember if my flailing limbs almost haplessly destroyed my dwelling place.'
Then Moses called all the elders of Israel and said to them, 'Go, select adorable lambs for your families, and slaughter the passover lamb. Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and touch the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood in the basin. None of you shall go outside the door of your house until morning. For the LORD will awkwardly pass through.'
And the LORD said, 'You guys are BAD LISTENERS!!'
The Israelites Cross the Red Sea
As Phraoah drew near, the Israelites looked back, and there were the Egyptians advancing on them. In great fear the Israelites cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, 'Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, bringing us out of Egypt? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.' But Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the LORD will accomplish for you today.'
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Why do you cry out to me? Ugh! Can't you do anything for yourselves? I am so sick of your whining. I was trying to take a nap. You need to let me sleep, or I'm going to be even more wrathful. Just tell the Israelites to go forward. They can totally handle this.'
Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. The Israelites went into the sea.
When the LORD saw this the LORD said, 'Oh my ME! What on earth are you people doing? Are you all idiots? When I told you to handle it, I meant that you should, oh I don't know, built a bridge or sail in a boat or something! Not whatever incredibly stupid nonsense this is! Do you have a death wish? Do you want to drown!?' And the LORD irritably retrieved the Israelites from the sea, but they really should have known better. Thus the LORD saved Israel that day from the Egyptians. The Egyptians didn't drown or anything. They were just smart enough not to try walking through a large, deadly body of water in the first place.
Moses and the Burning Bush
Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law Jethro, the priest of Midian; he led his flock beyond the wilderness, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the bush; he looked, and the bush was blazing, yet it was not consumed. Then Moses said, 'I must turn aside and look at this great sight.'
When the LORD saw that he had turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, 'Moses, Moses!' And God said to him, 'Come no closer! I think I accidentally set this bush on fire! Oh my me, I a such a klutz! Sorry! Sorry about the fire!' But Moses proceeded closer to the bush, removing his sandals as he went. For Moses, like Abraham before him, was a terrible listener. And the LORD said, 'Wait! Seriously, don't come any further! I can't even find my fire extinguisher to put this thing out. Ugh! I'm a walking disaster, is what I am. No really. And why aren't you wearing shoes?' And Moses said to the LORD, 'The ground upon which I walk is holy ground, right?' And the LORD said, 'Oh my me, it is? I knew I set that shrub on fire, but are you telling me I accidentally put holes in the ground? Ugh. My flailing limbs and pointy elbows are such a deadly combination, I swear!' And God said further, 'I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. Also, I am the God of all those nameless women. They were important, too.' And Moses hid his face, for the LORD's pointy elbows were flailing dangerously again.
Then the LORD said, 'I have observed the misery of my people who are in Egypt, and I feel so, so guilty for not having done something sooner, that now I'm completely paralyzed and afraid to do anything at all. And indeed, I know their suffering, for lo, I am omniempathetic, which actually makes it even harder to act, as I am also paralyzed by grief. I am so terribly sorry for everyone's suffering. It's devastating. And as soon as I muster the emotional strength to come out of this pile of blankets and hesitantly descend this mountain, I promise I'll try to do something about it. If you want. I hate to impose.'
The Passover
Moses said, 'Thus says the LORD: About midnight, I will start craving tortilla chips and queso, and I will stagger sleepily through Egypt towards these snacks, bony limbs flailing. Then there will be a loud cry throughout the whole land of Egypt, such as has never been nor will ever be, on account of my dangerous limbs. Then all your officials shall come down to me, and say, "Leave us, you and all the annoyingly clumsy people who follow you." After that you will leave.'
The LORD said to Moses, 'Pharoah will not listen to you. No one around here ever listens. I might as well not even be speaking.' And Pharoah's heart was hardened, and he did not let the people go.
The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in the land of Egypt: Tell the whole congregation of Israel that on the tenth of this month--or whenever, I'm so bad at dates--they should take a lamb for each family, and raise it as a pet, because lambs are so cute. Don't take any lamb blood and do anything with it, because the lamb needs its blood for living. Do not roast it over a fire with its head, legs and inner organs. It needs those things for living. Also, lambs hate being roasted. We've had this discussion before. If you're hungry, I'm sure there are some crackers on top of the fridge. Eat those, and not sweet baby lambs. You can eat those crackers however you want, but just make sure you're already wearing your sandals and your loin girders, because I hate waiting for people to put on sandals and loin girders when we should have left already. And you shall eat hurriedly, because oh my me how long does it take you people to eat? Just shove it in and be done with it already! Does everything have to be such a long, drawn-out ordeal? It is the passover of the LORD. For I will stumble through the land of Egypt that night in search of chips and queso, and I will accidentally destroy a bunch of things, because I honestly can't be bothered to concern myself with my physical surroundings. I am the LORD. Smear some brightly colored paint or something on your door frames...not sheep blood...paint. I cannot stress this enough. The paint might make it easier for me to avoid crashing into your dwelling places...hopefully. This day shall be a day of remembrance for you, probably. I mean, I would remember if my flailing limbs almost haplessly destroyed my dwelling place.'
Then Moses called all the elders of Israel and said to them, 'Go, select adorable lambs for your families, and slaughter the passover lamb. Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and touch the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood in the basin. None of you shall go outside the door of your house until morning. For the LORD will awkwardly pass through.'
And the LORD said, 'You guys are BAD LISTENERS!!'
The Israelites Cross the Red Sea
As Phraoah drew near, the Israelites looked back, and there were the Egyptians advancing on them. In great fear the Israelites cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, 'Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, bringing us out of Egypt? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.' But Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the LORD will accomplish for you today.'
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Why do you cry out to me? Ugh! Can't you do anything for yourselves? I am so sick of your whining. I was trying to take a nap. You need to let me sleep, or I'm going to be even more wrathful. Just tell the Israelites to go forward. They can totally handle this.'
Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. The Israelites went into the sea.
When the LORD saw this the LORD said, 'Oh my ME! What on earth are you people doing? Are you all idiots? When I told you to handle it, I meant that you should, oh I don't know, built a bridge or sail in a boat or something! Not whatever incredibly stupid nonsense this is! Do you have a death wish? Do you want to drown!?' And the LORD irritably retrieved the Israelites from the sea, but they really should have known better. Thus the LORD saved Israel that day from the Egyptians. The Egyptians didn't drown or anything. They were just smart enough not to try walking through a large, deadly body of water in the first place.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Why I Should Never be God: Genesis, Part II
After being heralded as a deity by my youngest child's class, I decided to explore just how wrong a concept this would be. What, exactly, would the Bible look like if I were the one in charge instead of the Lord God Almighy? Horrific, that's what. But maybe with a bit less smiting. The last post explored the first half of Genesis. Today we will continue with beloved Bible stories from Abraham to our good pal Onan (of onanism fame). You're welcome.
The LORD promises a child to Abraham and Sarah
The LORD appeared to Abraham (who might have previously been smote, but you can't honestly expect the LORD to keep track of insignificant details like that, can you?) by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat by the entrance of his tent in the heat of the day. He looked up and saw three men standing near him. They said to him, 'Where is your wife Sarah?' And he said, 'There, in the tent. Not even smote or slain or anything.' Then one of the God-people said, 'I will surely return to you in due season, and your wife Sarah shall have a son.' And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him.
Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women, if you know what I mean, wink wink. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, 'After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?' The LORD said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh? Was she laughing at me? I feel like everyone is always laughing at me. Plus, Sarah's totally a mean girl. She's a grown adult who whispers behind her hand. She totally was laughing at me!'
But Sarah denied saying, 'I did not laugh,' (then she ducked behind her hand and whispered to Abraham, 'I totally did laugh'). The God-person said, 'Oh yes, you did laugh. Seriously. Do some people just never grow up?' But God gave her a baby, anyway, because God was a total pushover.
Abraham sacrifices Isaac
After these things, God tested Abraham, saying to him, 'Abraham!' And he said, 'Here I am.' God said, 'Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and go hang out in the mountains. The mountains in Moriah are just gorgeous, and it would be a lovely place to make memories with your son. Maybe make a camping trip of it. After all, they're only young once.
So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey and took two of his young men and his son Isaac; he cut the wood for a burnt-offering, and set out and went to the place in the distance that God had shown him.
And God was like, 'Wait...what?! Why are you carrying wood for a sacrifice? I think I specifically remember telling you people that I wasn't really into gifts. Like, gift-giving isn't actually my Love Language, like, at ALL. But it really starts to become off-putting when the gifts are dead sheep gifts, or like, dead child gifts. Super not into that. Also, I'm terrible at writing thank-you notes, so don't expect anything in return for all these gifts. Not gonna happen.'
When they came to the place that God had shown him, Abraham built an altar there and laid the wood in order. He bound his son Isaac, and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to kill his son. But an angel of the LORD called to him from heaven, and said, 'Abraham! Abraham! God would have come personally, but God always hates the part of parties where gifts are opened. God has terrible anxiety surrounding gift-giving. So God is totally hiding in the bathroom. No amount of gift-giving is going to convince God that you want to be God's friend. Maybe try some words of affirmation. God's pretty cool with singing. Not so cool with dead children, though.'
And Abraham looked up and saw a ram, caught in a thicket by its horns. Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt-offering instead of his son.
And God called from the bathroom, where God was hiding, 'Seriously?! What part of "no gifts" didn't you understand?! Also, I thought I already smote you! Ugh!"
And Abraham called the place 'The LORD will provide,' because Abraham did not know how to listen.
Jacob wrestles at Penuel
The same night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maids, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and likewise everything that he had. Jacob was left alone; and a noodle-armed weakling wrestled with him until daybreak. Jacob said to the weakling, 'I will not let you go, unless you bless me.' So the weakling said, 'What is your name?' And he said, 'Jacob.' Then the weakling said, 'You will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have basically immobilized God with your superior strength, and have clearly prevailed...as if there was ever any doubt of that happening.' Then Jacob asked the weakling, 'Please tell me your name.' But the weakling said, 'Why is it that you ask my name? That really makes me uncomfortable. We don't know each other that well. Generally men use names to control women. I hate that. Next thing I know, you'll be telling me to "smile sweetheart." No thank you.' But the weakling blessed him to make him go away. It's the best way to get rid of guys who want to know your name.
Onan spills his seed
Then Judah said to Onan, 'Go in to your brother's wife, if you know what I mean, wink wink, and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her; raise up offspring for your brother.' But since Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, he spilled his semen on the ground whenever he went in to his brother's wife, so that he would not give offspring to his brother. What he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD, and the LORD was like, 'Eww.' But the LORD did not slay Onan or any of his brothers, because semen is gross, and "spilling seed" is a terrible method of birth control, but it's not really worth putting energy into slaying people over, if you ask the LORD.
The LORD promises a child to Abraham and Sarah
The LORD appeared to Abraham (who might have previously been smote, but you can't honestly expect the LORD to keep track of insignificant details like that, can you?) by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat by the entrance of his tent in the heat of the day. He looked up and saw three men standing near him. They said to him, 'Where is your wife Sarah?' And he said, 'There, in the tent. Not even smote or slain or anything.' Then one of the God-people said, 'I will surely return to you in due season, and your wife Sarah shall have a son.' And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him.
Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women, if you know what I mean, wink wink. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, 'After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?' The LORD said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh? Was she laughing at me? I feel like everyone is always laughing at me. Plus, Sarah's totally a mean girl. She's a grown adult who whispers behind her hand. She totally was laughing at me!'
But Sarah denied saying, 'I did not laugh,' (then she ducked behind her hand and whispered to Abraham, 'I totally did laugh'). The God-person said, 'Oh yes, you did laugh. Seriously. Do some people just never grow up?' But God gave her a baby, anyway, because God was a total pushover.
Abraham sacrifices Isaac
After these things, God tested Abraham, saying to him, 'Abraham!' And he said, 'Here I am.' God said, 'Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and go hang out in the mountains. The mountains in Moriah are just gorgeous, and it would be a lovely place to make memories with your son. Maybe make a camping trip of it. After all, they're only young once.
So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey and took two of his young men and his son Isaac; he cut the wood for a burnt-offering, and set out and went to the place in the distance that God had shown him.
And God was like, 'Wait...what?! Why are you carrying wood for a sacrifice? I think I specifically remember telling you people that I wasn't really into gifts. Like, gift-giving isn't actually my Love Language, like, at ALL. But it really starts to become off-putting when the gifts are dead sheep gifts, or like, dead child gifts. Super not into that. Also, I'm terrible at writing thank-you notes, so don't expect anything in return for all these gifts. Not gonna happen.'
When they came to the place that God had shown him, Abraham built an altar there and laid the wood in order. He bound his son Isaac, and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to kill his son. But an angel of the LORD called to him from heaven, and said, 'Abraham! Abraham! God would have come personally, but God always hates the part of parties where gifts are opened. God has terrible anxiety surrounding gift-giving. So God is totally hiding in the bathroom. No amount of gift-giving is going to convince God that you want to be God's friend. Maybe try some words of affirmation. God's pretty cool with singing. Not so cool with dead children, though.'
And Abraham looked up and saw a ram, caught in a thicket by its horns. Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt-offering instead of his son.
And God called from the bathroom, where God was hiding, 'Seriously?! What part of "no gifts" didn't you understand?! Also, I thought I already smote you! Ugh!"
And Abraham called the place 'The LORD will provide,' because Abraham did not know how to listen.
Jacob wrestles at Penuel
The same night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maids, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and likewise everything that he had. Jacob was left alone; and a noodle-armed weakling wrestled with him until daybreak. Jacob said to the weakling, 'I will not let you go, unless you bless me.' So the weakling said, 'What is your name?' And he said, 'Jacob.' Then the weakling said, 'You will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have basically immobilized God with your superior strength, and have clearly prevailed...as if there was ever any doubt of that happening.' Then Jacob asked the weakling, 'Please tell me your name.' But the weakling said, 'Why is it that you ask my name? That really makes me uncomfortable. We don't know each other that well. Generally men use names to control women. I hate that. Next thing I know, you'll be telling me to "smile sweetheart." No thank you.' But the weakling blessed him to make him go away. It's the best way to get rid of guys who want to know your name.
Onan spills his seed
Then Judah said to Onan, 'Go in to your brother's wife, if you know what I mean, wink wink, and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her; raise up offspring for your brother.' But since Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, he spilled his semen on the ground whenever he went in to his brother's wife, so that he would not give offspring to his brother. What he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD, and the LORD was like, 'Eww.' But the LORD did not slay Onan or any of his brothers, because semen is gross, and "spilling seed" is a terrible method of birth control, but it's not really worth putting energy into slaying people over, if you ask the LORD.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Why I Should Never Be God: Genesis, Part I
Yesterday, a small group of very astute and intelligent third graders declared that I should be God. After quelling the strong desire to set myself up on a throne and order them to bring me sacrifices and offerings while attending to my every whim, I reminded them that this would be a terrible idea.
As God, I would be omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omniineffective, and omnineurotic.
It would be the very worst idea.
Here are some good, strong, Biblical illustrations of why I should most certainly NOT be the All-High Creator of All That Is.
Let us begin at the beginning:
The First Day of Creation
IN THE BEGINNING God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep. The spirit of God swept over face of the waters.
Then God said,
'I feel like maybe there should be light or something. But maybe not. I don't want to be wrong. Like, I'm really good at meeting/exceeding expectations, but I don't even know what's expected of me, here. Probably I should just leave this formless void. I don't deserve anything more than a formless void, anyway. It pretty much reflects my whole wasted existence, so far. I mean, I had an opportunity to create light, and I totally missed it, and now I only have the rest of all eternity to try making light again. And I mean, why me? I'm sure there's some other God out there who is way better at making light than I am. If I'm not the best creator, I have no business being a creator at all. And what if I make light, and then nobody even wants it. What then? Everyone will know how awful I am, and they'll hate me. Seriously, I bet they're only letting me create the heavens and the earth because they feel bad for me. But don't they realize that will backfire? Don't they want a quality creation? I can't be responsible for all of existence. I'm not good enough.'
And lo, it stayed dark, formless, and angsty for ever and ever.
The First Sin, and it's Punishment
Adam and Eve heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden at the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, 'Where are you?' He said, 'I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.' And the LORD God said, 'Eww.' Adam said, 'The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the forbidden tree, and I ate." The woman said, 'The serpent tricked me, and I ate.'
The LORD God said to them,'Seriously?! You can't just take responsibility for yourselves like normal, adult people? I really don't have time for this. I'm stressed out enough as it is. It's not even that big of a deal. I'm probably wrong about that being a bad tree anyway, and honestly, I need you to be able to think for yourselves. Like, stop making a big deal about nothing. It's just a piece of fruit, for My sake! Just don't do it anymore. Also, please get out of my garden. You're WAY too loud, and WAY too naked, and I just need some peace and quiet. You can all come back in when you promise to get along and use your quiet voices.'
God drove out the man and woman; and at the east of the garden of Eden God placed the cherubim, and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the super quiet Napping Place of the LORD.
The offerings of Cain and Abel
In the course of time, Cain brought to the LORD an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the LORD was all, 'Oh my goodess! Poor firstlings! What did they ever do to you? No, it's okay, I know you meant well. It's okay, Abel. Please don't cry. But maybe try to think about how those firstlings felt. They were just babies! They had mothers! No. It's fine. I don't blame you, like, at all, but just maybe try to have empathy for the sheep. I think that would be a good idea, don't you? You boys are so sweet. But you don't have to give me gifts, dead-sheep gifts, or fruit gifts, or anything. Don't you know I love you no matter what? Yes. Even when you fight and try to slay each other. But please don't slay each other. Thanks.' And the LORD God gaveth them each a hug, and they all ate fruit and took a good nap, and no one slew anyone that day.
The wickedness of humankind
The LORD saw that the wickedness of humankind was great in the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually. And the LORD was sorry that she had made humankind on the earth, and it grieved her to her heart. So the LORD said, 'See? What did I say? I should never be in charge of anything. Everything I do always fails. And now I've gone and ruined humanity, of all things. UGH! I am literally the worst!'
And God said to Noah, 'Make an ark of cypress wood, if you don't mind. I'd do it myself, but I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I'm terrible at making things.' Noah did this; he did all that God politely and tentatively asked of him. Then the LORD said to Noah, 'Oh my me, thank you SO much. You are seriously the best!' And the LORD jumped in the ark and sailed away to keep from doing any further damage to the face of the earth, and also to wallow in guilt and shame for the rest of all eternity.
The Tower of Babel
Now the whole earth had one language and the same words. And as they migrated from the east, they came upon a plain in the land of Shinar and settled there. And they said to one another, 'Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.' And the LORD said, 'Sounds reasonable.' But then the LORD accidentally tripped and fell into the tower, and the people scattered abroad over the face of all the earth. And the LORD said, 'UGH! See?! I always do this!'
The Birth of Ishmael, and the death of Sarai and Abram
Now Sarai, Abram's wife, bore him no children. She had an Egyptian slave-girl whose name was Hagar, and Sarai said to Abram, 'You see that the LORD has prevented me from bearing children; go in to my slave-girl; it may be that I shall obtain children from her.' He went in to Hagar, and she conceived.
Then Sarai said to Abram some jealous, whiny, teenage nonsense that isn't even really worth repeating. And Abram said to Sarai, 'Your slave-girl is in your power; do to her as you please.' Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she ran away.
And the LORD was all, 'Oh, HELL no!' And the LORD smote Sarai and Abram that day, because the LORD is kind and merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindess, but if you think that kind of middle-school nonsense is something the LORD will abide for even, like, half a second, you'd better think again. Because we don't treat each other like that. We just don't. Absolutely not okay. Seriously. The end.
(But also, to be continued...)
As God, I would be omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omniineffective, and omnineurotic.
It would be the very worst idea.
Here are some good, strong, Biblical illustrations of why I should most certainly NOT be the All-High Creator of All That Is.
Let us begin at the beginning:
The First Day of Creation
IN THE BEGINNING God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep. The spirit of God swept over face of the waters.
Then God said,
'I feel like maybe there should be light or something. But maybe not. I don't want to be wrong. Like, I'm really good at meeting/exceeding expectations, but I don't even know what's expected of me, here. Probably I should just leave this formless void. I don't deserve anything more than a formless void, anyway. It pretty much reflects my whole wasted existence, so far. I mean, I had an opportunity to create light, and I totally missed it, and now I only have the rest of all eternity to try making light again. And I mean, why me? I'm sure there's some other God out there who is way better at making light than I am. If I'm not the best creator, I have no business being a creator at all. And what if I make light, and then nobody even wants it. What then? Everyone will know how awful I am, and they'll hate me. Seriously, I bet they're only letting me create the heavens and the earth because they feel bad for me. But don't they realize that will backfire? Don't they want a quality creation? I can't be responsible for all of existence. I'm not good enough.'
And lo, it stayed dark, formless, and angsty for ever and ever.
The First Sin, and it's Punishment
Adam and Eve heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden at the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, 'Where are you?' He said, 'I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.' And the LORD God said, 'Eww.' Adam said, 'The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the forbidden tree, and I ate." The woman said, 'The serpent tricked me, and I ate.'
The LORD God said to them,'Seriously?! You can't just take responsibility for yourselves like normal, adult people? I really don't have time for this. I'm stressed out enough as it is. It's not even that big of a deal. I'm probably wrong about that being a bad tree anyway, and honestly, I need you to be able to think for yourselves. Like, stop making a big deal about nothing. It's just a piece of fruit, for My sake! Just don't do it anymore. Also, please get out of my garden. You're WAY too loud, and WAY too naked, and I just need some peace and quiet. You can all come back in when you promise to get along and use your quiet voices.'
God drove out the man and woman; and at the east of the garden of Eden God placed the cherubim, and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the super quiet Napping Place of the LORD.
The offerings of Cain and Abel
In the course of time, Cain brought to the LORD an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the LORD was all, 'Oh my goodess! Poor firstlings! What did they ever do to you? No, it's okay, I know you meant well. It's okay, Abel. Please don't cry. But maybe try to think about how those firstlings felt. They were just babies! They had mothers! No. It's fine. I don't blame you, like, at all, but just maybe try to have empathy for the sheep. I think that would be a good idea, don't you? You boys are so sweet. But you don't have to give me gifts, dead-sheep gifts, or fruit gifts, or anything. Don't you know I love you no matter what? Yes. Even when you fight and try to slay each other. But please don't slay each other. Thanks.' And the LORD God gaveth them each a hug, and they all ate fruit and took a good nap, and no one slew anyone that day.
The wickedness of humankind
The LORD saw that the wickedness of humankind was great in the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually. And the LORD was sorry that she had made humankind on the earth, and it grieved her to her heart. So the LORD said, 'See? What did I say? I should never be in charge of anything. Everything I do always fails. And now I've gone and ruined humanity, of all things. UGH! I am literally the worst!'
And God said to Noah, 'Make an ark of cypress wood, if you don't mind. I'd do it myself, but I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I'm terrible at making things.' Noah did this; he did all that God politely and tentatively asked of him. Then the LORD said to Noah, 'Oh my me, thank you SO much. You are seriously the best!' And the LORD jumped in the ark and sailed away to keep from doing any further damage to the face of the earth, and also to wallow in guilt and shame for the rest of all eternity.
The Tower of Babel
Now the whole earth had one language and the same words. And as they migrated from the east, they came upon a plain in the land of Shinar and settled there. And they said to one another, 'Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.' And the LORD said, 'Sounds reasonable.' But then the LORD accidentally tripped and fell into the tower, and the people scattered abroad over the face of all the earth. And the LORD said, 'UGH! See?! I always do this!'
The Birth of Ishmael, and the death of Sarai and Abram
Now Sarai, Abram's wife, bore him no children. She had an Egyptian slave-girl whose name was Hagar, and Sarai said to Abram, 'You see that the LORD has prevented me from bearing children; go in to my slave-girl; it may be that I shall obtain children from her.' He went in to Hagar, and she conceived.
Then Sarai said to Abram some jealous, whiny, teenage nonsense that isn't even really worth repeating. And Abram said to Sarai, 'Your slave-girl is in your power; do to her as you please.' Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she ran away.
And the LORD was all, 'Oh, HELL no!' And the LORD smote Sarai and Abram that day, because the LORD is kind and merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindess, but if you think that kind of middle-school nonsense is something the LORD will abide for even, like, half a second, you'd better think again. Because we don't treat each other like that. We just don't. Absolutely not okay. Seriously. The end.
(But also, to be continued...)
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
water and fire
"We make vows we intend to keep, and then we spend our days in life's middle, clenching them tight. How could we know what our vows mean until we've dug our fingernails deep into them all those years later. How can we notice the hard beauty of such words, the thick holiness of hope, until we experience what living a vow requires? Vows always demand an entire life.""
(Micha Boyett, Found)
When my oldest was nearly one, we ordered overpriced stationary, used my new-found online shopping skills to select a delicate white gown and bonnet, and commissioned a fancy cake in blue and green frosting with "God Bless Sylvie Noelle" scrolled across the top. Having grown up in traditions that practiced infant baptism, it seemed natural that my husband and I would have our first child baptized as a precious baby, to the oohs of delighted parishioners and the glowing pride of first time grandparents. Neither of us were sure we actually believed in infant baptism, but were assured that the ritual could be performed and given whatever level of meaning we wished to ascribe to it. We called it "baptism" because "dedication" sounded a bit watered-down, but held the term loosely,our unformed theologies bridging the tension between the two.
Our oldest daughter had been a terrifying surprise and a sleepless baby. We seized on her baptism as a declaration of welcome, asserting that yes, this child was God's wonderful gift, even if our future together now looked vastly different than we had planned. Yes, she was wanted. Yes, she was loved and adored. Yes, her life was desired and longed for, a sign of the hope that surprises and knocks us off our guard, the God who gives in unlikely times and unlikely places, to unlikely people, ready or not.
When my second was nearly one, she had just recently drawn breath with enough strength and regularity to earn freedom from the menacing oxygen tanks and tangles of tubing that had anchored her fragile self to our home for so many months. Her breath and laughter were as much prayer as I could allow in a world that had almost taken her from me, a world that now seemed ripped by the awareness that death is real, that the normalcy of daily life is heaven on earth and never to be taken for granted, that the universe is a capricious place, taking and giving life at a pace that left me almost as breathless as my child who wasn't supposed to live.
For months and months, I waited for the other shoe to drop. Why should my child live while others did not? Surely tragedy was just around the corner. I never let my guard down. Not for a second. And I never breathed a prayer. I was certain even a timid "thank you" would result in the earth swallowing her up, as a lesson to me for thinking that it should be otherwise.
For months and months, I waited for the other shoe to drop. Why should my child live while others did not? Surely tragedy was just around the corner. I never let my guard down. Not for a second. And I never breathed a prayer. I was certain even a timid "thank you" would result in the earth swallowing her up, as a lesson to me for thinking that it should be otherwise.
We used her condition as an excuse to stop attending church, to take a break. We met for a while with a pastor and his wife who hoped to plant a new church. My oldest played quietly with toys on a blanket in the corner of the little chapel in which we met. My husband participated, praying and singing, and socializing. I spent the time repeating the one prayer I could pray, screaming silently to God "I need you to be good. I need you to be good. You have to be good. You have to be good." The baby careened around with reckless abandon, shouting "Alleluia! Amen! Glory! Glory!" But we didn't have her baptized. These pastors did not believe in baptizing infants. Only dedicating. And now, dedication didn't have that same, watered-down feeling. Now, it felt more sinister.
* * * *
In the Bible, dedication isn't merely a kind word, a sprinkle of water, and the polite clapping of friends and family. In the Bible, dedication is serious. Dedicating your child to God, pledging someone to the Holy One of Israel, can get them killed. Isaac avoided the fire by the grace of a goat in the brambles. Jephthah's daughter was not nearly so lucky. Samson was pledged to God as a child, grew his hair as a sign of that pledge, and it was this hair, this symbol of his dedication, that was both his strength and his undoing. Jesus was dedicated in the Temple, baptized in the Jordan, and crucified at Gethsemane. Certainly, Jesus rose again. Certainly, Isaac helped found a nation. But not everyone gets to be an Isaac. Not everyone gets to walk back down the mountainside. And the nation of people pledged as God's own, scattered like stars in this magnificently expanding universe, those people suffered and starved, were enslaved and sacrificed.
Dedication is never safe. Vows are risks. I had just received this child against all odds. I grasped her life, wrapped myself around it, and protected it greedily. She was mine. My beautiful, unlikely child. I couldn't take the risk of dedicating her to a God that asks for sacrifices. I was not ready to have that sort of faith credited to me as righteousness. I just needed God to be good. And to leave me and my child alone.
* * * *
Dedication is never safe. Vows are risks. I had just received this child against all odds. I grasped her life, wrapped myself around it, and protected it greedily. She was mine. My beautiful, unlikely child. I couldn't take the risk of dedicating her to a God that asks for sacrifices. I was not ready to have that sort of faith credited to me as righteousness. I just needed God to be good. And to leave me and my child alone.
* * * *
But she has been God's from the beginning. I had made that pledge already, with the hasty intensity of Jephthah, going out to battle, with the naivety and uncertainty of Abram needing to believe that God is good, that this wild universe is woven together with glorious purpose, and gentle mercy.
The night I was rushed to the hospital, at the top of the stairs, hunched over and screaming, wild and irrational, about to lose the life growing inside of me, I promised God my child. I promised that if she were allowed to live, she would not be mine, but God's. The blood, and tears, and terror were all bound together that night like an ancient sacrifice. My screams rose up like smoke on the altar.
This world is more wild and awake than we like to admit. We create rituals to both remind ourselves of the profound mysteries and heart-stopping savagery of existence, and also to contain them. That night at the top of the stairs, on the verge of heartbreaking loss, there were no birds split in two, no flesh consumed by flame, no precious oils or dreadful ash, but there was blood, there was holiness, there was dedication, and there was a vow.
* * * *
On Sunday, my youngest will be baptized in our church, a church that has pledged itself to the all-embracing love of a God of hope for unlikely people. She will have no gown, no cake, no embossed invitations. She will probably wear torn leggings, smudged glasses, and a goofy, self-conscious grin. Water will be poured out. She will make her own vow, a vow she has repeatedly asked to make, even if she does not fully understand it (do we ever fully understand it?). And I will not hold her back. This child is mine, surely. But she is also the child of a God who is larger and more terrifying than the inflatable hot tub/baptismal font and her goofy grin let on. She is my child, but she is also the child of a God whose love is wilder, freer and more profound than even our best rituals can fully reveal. She has never not been God's child. But now she will declare this daring truth, the one I dared not speak for years. And I will let her.
Some rituals are fire, blood, and sacrifice. And some are water, oil, and new life. Our vows lead us to both. They curl up like smoke. and they leave us empty, vessels for spirit and living water. And in between is all this earth. In between is where we hold each other in the blessed miracle of day to day life, woven together with glorious purpose and gentle mercy.
And so I will continue to hold her, and her sister as well. Hold them as mine, and not-mine. Trusting that the pledges we make will shape us and leave us more whole. That they will lead us into risking a more vulnerable and powerful humanity, living as children of a God who I choose to believe against all odds is breath-takingly and breath-givingly good. A God who is with us in the consuming fire and in the life-giving water, in the earthy forgetting of the everyday, and in our breathless, fearful vows. At the top of the stairs, knee-deep in baptismal waters, and every moment of the in between.
Alleluia. Amen. Glory. Glory.
And so I will continue to hold her, and her sister as well. Hold them as mine, and not-mine. Trusting that the pledges we make will shape us and leave us more whole. That they will lead us into risking a more vulnerable and powerful humanity, living as children of a God who I choose to believe against all odds is breath-takingly and breath-givingly good. A God who is with us in the consuming fire and in the life-giving water, in the earthy forgetting of the everyday, and in our breathless, fearful vows. At the top of the stairs, knee-deep in baptismal waters, and every moment of the in between.
Alleluia. Amen. Glory. Glory.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Paraphrasing the Lectionary Like Some Sort of Heretic: I Samuel 4:1-11
So, the Philistines attacked the Israelites and killed a ton of them.
The Isrealites were acting very entitled about the whole thing. "WHY?! Why do bad things happen to us?! God loves us best! What the heck? We only deserve GOOD things! We're so bewildered!" Etc.
So then they decided to remind God who He worked for. They grabbed the Ark of the Covenant (where God sat between some cherubim wings being all electrical and stuff, probably...that's what I saw on the History Channel, which is a very reputable source, because it has the word "history" in the title), and brought it into camp. They were all, "Look God! Here you go. Remember us? Cool. Now do your thing."
But they said this very, very, loudly. Like, so loudly that it scared the crap out of the Philistines.
The Philistines started trembling and whimpering about the loud noises. "Those noises are so scary! I want my Mommy!" Also, "There are probably some gods in that Israelite camp. Those gods will destroy us for sure. We heard some Isrealites shouting it, so it must be true! We are not the type of people to check our sources, or even Snopes anything. We like to take everything at face value, and the Israelites said to be scared, so..." And of course, "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! New things are scary! We are doomed!"
But then some of the Philistines realized that unbridled hysterics probably wouldn't be the best battle plan. "Guys," they said, "We should maybe stop whining about scary loud noises. It makes us seem unmanly. And manliness is the number one predictor of battle success. Trembling on the ground in fear of new things is probably not the manliest thing we have ever done. And there is a positive correlation between loads of machismo and annihilating your enemies in battle, so..."
So the Philistines decided to stop freaking out about toddler things. And they put on their manliest loin girders or whatever. And they made manly faces and manly noises to remind themselves how super manly they were. And they stomped their manly feet and went out into battle against the Israelites.
The Israelites brought their Ark-sitting, Cherubim-wing-inhabiting God on a throne, but it didn't matter. The Philistines were just so manly. And in their manliness, lo they defeated the Israelites that day. It was super tragic. But that's what you get for having an entitlement complex.
The End.
The Isrealites were acting very entitled about the whole thing. "WHY?! Why do bad things happen to us?! God loves us best! What the heck? We only deserve GOOD things! We're so bewildered!" Etc.
So then they decided to remind God who He worked for. They grabbed the Ark of the Covenant (where God sat between some cherubim wings being all electrical and stuff, probably...that's what I saw on the History Channel, which is a very reputable source, because it has the word "history" in the title), and brought it into camp. They were all, "Look God! Here you go. Remember us? Cool. Now do your thing."
But they said this very, very, loudly. Like, so loudly that it scared the crap out of the Philistines.
The Philistines started trembling and whimpering about the loud noises. "Those noises are so scary! I want my Mommy!" Also, "There are probably some gods in that Israelite camp. Those gods will destroy us for sure. We heard some Isrealites shouting it, so it must be true! We are not the type of people to check our sources, or even Snopes anything. We like to take everything at face value, and the Israelites said to be scared, so..." And of course, "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! New things are scary! We are doomed!"
But then some of the Philistines realized that unbridled hysterics probably wouldn't be the best battle plan. "Guys," they said, "We should maybe stop whining about scary loud noises. It makes us seem unmanly. And manliness is the number one predictor of battle success. Trembling on the ground in fear of new things is probably not the manliest thing we have ever done. And there is a positive correlation between loads of machismo and annihilating your enemies in battle, so..."
So the Philistines decided to stop freaking out about toddler things. And they put on their manliest loin girders or whatever. And they made manly faces and manly noises to remind themselves how super manly they were. And they stomped their manly feet and went out into battle against the Israelites.
The Israelites brought their Ark-sitting, Cherubim-wing-inhabiting God on a throne, but it didn't matter. The Philistines were just so manly. And in their manliness, lo they defeated the Israelites that day. It was super tragic. But that's what you get for having an entitlement complex.
The End.
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