Wherein I posit myself as some sort of deity to illustrate why it's really, really good that I am not that thing. See more context on why this totally isn't blasphemy here: Why I Should Never be God: Genesis, Part I
Moses and the Burning Bush
Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law Jethro, the priest of Midian; he led his flock beyond the wilderness, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the bush; he looked, and the bush was blazing, yet it was not consumed. Then Moses said, 'I must turn aside and look at this great sight.'
When the LORD saw that he had turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, 'Moses, Moses!' And God said to him, 'Come no closer! I think I accidentally set this bush on fire! Oh my me, I a such a klutz! Sorry! Sorry about the fire!' But Moses proceeded closer to the bush, removing his sandals as he went. For Moses, like Abraham before him, was a terrible listener. And the LORD said, 'Wait! Seriously, don't come any further! I can't even find my fire extinguisher to put this thing out. Ugh! I'm a walking disaster, is what I am. No really. And why aren't you wearing shoes?' And Moses said to the LORD, 'The ground upon which I walk is holy ground, right?' And the LORD said, 'Oh my me, it is? I knew I set that shrub on fire, but are you telling me I accidentally put holes in the ground? Ugh. My flailing limbs and pointy elbows are such a deadly combination, I swear!' And God said further, 'I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. Also, I am the God of all those nameless women. They were important, too.' And Moses hid his face, for the LORD's pointy elbows were flailing dangerously again.
Then the LORD said, 'I have observed the misery of my people who are in Egypt, and I feel so, so guilty for not having done something sooner, that now I'm completely paralyzed and afraid to do anything at all. And indeed, I know their suffering, for lo, I am omniempathetic, which actually makes it even harder to act, as I am also paralyzed by grief. I am so terribly sorry for everyone's suffering. It's devastating. And as soon as I muster the emotional strength to come out of this pile of blankets and hesitantly descend this mountain, I promise I'll try to do something about it. If you want. I hate to impose.'
The Passover
Moses said, 'Thus says the LORD: About midnight, I will start craving tortilla chips and queso, and I will stagger sleepily through Egypt towards these snacks, bony limbs flailing. Then there will be a loud cry throughout the whole land of Egypt, such as has never been nor will ever be, on account of my dangerous limbs. Then all your officials shall come down to me, and say, "Leave us, you and all the annoyingly clumsy people who follow you." After that you will leave.'
The LORD said to Moses, 'Pharoah will not listen to you. No one around here ever listens. I might as well not even be speaking.' And Pharoah's heart was hardened, and he did not let the people go.
The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in the land of Egypt: Tell the whole congregation of Israel that on the tenth of this month--or whenever, I'm so bad at dates--they should take a lamb for each family, and raise it as a pet, because lambs are so cute. Don't take any lamb blood and do anything with it, because the lamb needs its blood for living. Do not roast it over a fire with its head, legs and inner organs. It needs those things for living. Also, lambs hate being roasted. We've had this discussion before. If you're hungry, I'm sure there are some crackers on top of the fridge. Eat those, and not sweet baby lambs. You can eat those crackers however you want, but just make sure you're already wearing your sandals and your loin girders, because I hate waiting for people to put on sandals and loin girders when we should have left already. And you shall eat hurriedly, because oh my me how long does it take you people to eat? Just shove it in and be done with it already! Does everything have to be such a long, drawn-out ordeal? It is the passover of the LORD. For I will stumble through the land of Egypt that night in search of chips and queso, and I will accidentally destroy a bunch of things, because I honestly can't be bothered to concern myself with my physical surroundings. I am the LORD. Smear some brightly colored paint or something on your door frames...not sheep blood...paint. I cannot stress this enough. The paint might make it easier for me to avoid crashing into your dwelling places...hopefully. This day shall be a day of remembrance for you, probably. I mean, I would remember if my flailing limbs almost haplessly destroyed my dwelling place.'
Then Moses called all the elders of Israel and said to them, 'Go, select adorable lambs for your families, and slaughter the passover lamb. Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and touch the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood in the basin. None of you shall go outside the door of your house until morning. For the LORD will awkwardly pass through.'
And the LORD said, 'You guys are BAD LISTENERS!!'
The Israelites Cross the Red Sea
As Phraoah drew near, the Israelites looked back, and there were the Egyptians advancing on them. In great fear the Israelites cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, 'Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, bringing us out of Egypt? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.' But Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the LORD will accomplish for you today.'
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Why do you cry out to me? Ugh! Can't you do anything for yourselves? I am so sick of your whining. I was trying to take a nap. You need to let me sleep, or I'm going to be even more wrathful. Just tell the Israelites to go forward. They can totally handle this.'
Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. The Israelites went into the sea.
When the LORD saw this the LORD said, 'Oh my ME! What on earth are you people doing? Are you all idiots? When I told you to handle it, I meant that you should, oh I don't know, built a bridge or sail in a boat or something! Not whatever incredibly stupid nonsense this is! Do you have a death wish? Do you want to drown!?' And the LORD irritably retrieved the Israelites from the sea, but they really should have known better. Thus the LORD saved Israel that day from the Egyptians. The Egyptians didn't drown or anything. They were just smart enough not to try walking through a large, deadly body of water in the first place.
