Yesterday, a small group of very astute and intelligent third graders declared that I should be God. After quelling the strong desire to set myself up on a throne and order them to bring me sacrifices and offerings while attending to my every whim, I reminded them that this would be a terrible idea.
As God, I would be omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omniineffective, and omnineurotic.
It would be the very worst idea.
Here are some good, strong, Biblical illustrations of why I should most certainly NOT be the All-High Creator of All That Is.
Let us begin at the beginning:
The First Day of Creation
IN THE BEGINNING God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep. The spirit of God swept over face of the waters.
Then God said,
'I feel like maybe there should be light or something. But maybe not. I don't want to be wrong. Like, I'm really good at meeting/exceeding expectations, but I don't even know what's expected of me, here. Probably I should just leave this formless void. I don't deserve anything more than a formless void, anyway. It pretty much reflects my whole wasted existence, so far. I mean, I had an opportunity to create light, and I totally missed it, and now I only have the rest of all eternity to try making light again. And I mean, why me? I'm sure there's some other God out there who is way better at making light than I am. If I'm not the best creator, I have no business being a creator at all. And what if I make light, and then nobody even wants it. What then? Everyone will know how awful I am, and they'll hate me. Seriously, I bet they're only letting me create the heavens and the earth because they feel bad for me. But don't they realize that will backfire? Don't they want a quality creation? I can't be responsible for all of existence. I'm not good enough.'
And lo, it stayed dark, formless, and angsty for ever and ever.
The First Sin, and it's Punishment
Adam and Eve heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden at the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, 'Where are you?' He said, 'I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.' And the LORD God said, 'Eww.' Adam said, 'The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the forbidden tree, and I ate." The woman said, 'The serpent tricked me, and I ate.'
The LORD God said to them,'Seriously?! You can't just take responsibility for yourselves like normal, adult people? I really don't have time for this. I'm stressed out enough as it is. It's not even that big of a deal. I'm probably wrong about that being a bad tree anyway, and honestly, I need you to be able to think for yourselves. Like, stop making a big deal about nothing. It's just a piece of fruit, for My sake! Just don't do it anymore. Also, please get out of my garden. You're WAY too loud, and WAY too naked, and I just need some peace and quiet. You can all come back in when you promise to get along and use your quiet voices.'
God drove out the man and woman; and at the east of the garden of Eden God placed the cherubim, and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the super quiet Napping Place of the LORD.
The offerings of Cain and Abel
In the course of time, Cain brought to the LORD an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the LORD was all, 'Oh my goodess! Poor firstlings! What did they ever do to you? No, it's okay, I know you meant well. It's okay, Abel. Please don't cry. But maybe try to think about how those firstlings felt. They were just babies! They had mothers! No. It's fine. I don't blame you, like, at all, but just maybe try to have empathy for the sheep. I think that would be a good idea, don't you? You boys are so sweet. But you don't have to give me gifts, dead-sheep gifts, or fruit gifts, or anything. Don't you know I love you no matter what? Yes. Even when you fight and try to slay each other. But please don't slay each other. Thanks.' And the LORD God gaveth them each a hug, and they all ate fruit and took a good nap, and no one slew anyone that day.
The wickedness of humankind
The LORD saw that the wickedness of humankind was great in the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually. And the LORD was sorry that she had made humankind on the earth, and it grieved her to her heart. So the LORD said, 'See? What did I say? I should never be in charge of anything. Everything I do always fails. And now I've gone and ruined humanity, of all things. UGH! I am literally the worst!'
And God said to Noah, 'Make an ark of cypress wood, if you don't mind. I'd do it myself, but I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I'm terrible at making things.' Noah did this; he did all that God politely and tentatively asked of him. Then the LORD said to Noah, 'Oh my me, thank you SO much. You are seriously the best!' And the LORD jumped in the ark and sailed away to keep from doing any further damage to the face of the earth, and also to wallow in guilt and shame for the rest of all eternity.
The Tower of Babel
Now the whole earth had one language and the same words. And as they migrated from the east, they came upon a plain in the land of Shinar and settled there. And they said to one another, 'Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.' And the LORD said, 'Sounds reasonable.' But then the LORD accidentally tripped and fell into the tower, and the people scattered abroad over the face of all the earth. And the LORD said, 'UGH! See?! I always do this!'
The Birth of Ishmael, and the death of Sarai and Abram
Now Sarai, Abram's wife, bore him no children. She had an Egyptian slave-girl whose name was Hagar, and Sarai said to Abram, 'You see that the LORD has prevented me from bearing children; go in to my slave-girl; it may be that I shall obtain children from her.' He went in to Hagar, and she conceived.
Then Sarai said to Abram some jealous, whiny, teenage nonsense that isn't even really worth repeating. And Abram said to Sarai, 'Your slave-girl is in your power; do to her as you please.' Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she ran away.
And the LORD was all, 'Oh, HELL no!' And the LORD smote Sarai and Abram that day, because the LORD is kind and merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindess, but if you think that kind of middle-school nonsense is something the LORD will abide for even, like, half a second, you'd better think again. Because we don't treat each other like that. We just don't. Absolutely not okay. Seriously. The end.
(But also, to be continued...)
