After being heralded as a deity by my youngest child's class, I decided to explore just how wrong a concept this would be. What, exactly, would the Bible look like if I were the one in charge instead of the Lord God Almighy? Horrific, that's what. But maybe with a bit less smiting. The last post explored the first half of Genesis. Today we will continue with beloved Bible stories from Abraham to our good pal Onan (of onanism fame). You're welcome.
The LORD promises a child to Abraham and Sarah
The LORD appeared to Abraham (who might have previously been smote, but you can't honestly expect the LORD to keep track of insignificant details like that, can you?) by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat by the entrance of his tent in the heat of the day. He looked up and saw three men standing near him. They said to him, 'Where is your wife Sarah?' And he said, 'There, in the tent. Not even smote or slain or anything.' Then one of the God-people said, 'I will surely return to you in due season, and your wife Sarah shall have a son.' And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him.
Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women, if you know what I mean, wink wink. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, 'After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?' The LORD said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh? Was she laughing at me? I feel like everyone is always laughing at me. Plus, Sarah's totally a mean girl. She's a grown adult who whispers behind her hand. She totally was laughing at me!'
But Sarah denied saying, 'I did not laugh,' (then she ducked behind her hand and whispered to Abraham, 'I totally did laugh'). The God-person said, 'Oh yes, you did laugh. Seriously. Do some people just never grow up?' But God gave her a baby, anyway, because God was a total pushover.
Abraham sacrifices Isaac
After these things, God tested Abraham, saying to him, 'Abraham!' And he said, 'Here I am.' God said, 'Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and go hang out in the mountains. The mountains in Moriah are just gorgeous, and it would be a lovely place to make memories with your son. Maybe make a camping trip of it. After all, they're only young once.
So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey and took two of his young men and his son Isaac; he cut the wood for a burnt-offering, and set out and went to the place in the distance that God had shown him.
And God was like, 'Wait...what?! Why are you carrying wood for a sacrifice? I think I specifically remember telling you people that I wasn't really into gifts. Like, gift-giving isn't actually my Love Language, like, at ALL. But it really starts to become off-putting when the gifts are dead sheep gifts, or like, dead child gifts. Super not into that. Also, I'm terrible at writing thank-you notes, so don't expect anything in return for all these gifts. Not gonna happen.'
When they came to the place that God had shown him, Abraham built an altar there and laid the wood in order. He bound his son Isaac, and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to kill his son. But an angel of the LORD called to him from heaven, and said, 'Abraham! Abraham! God would have come personally, but God always hates the part of parties where gifts are opened. God has terrible anxiety surrounding gift-giving. So God is totally hiding in the bathroom. No amount of gift-giving is going to convince God that you want to be God's friend. Maybe try some words of affirmation. God's pretty cool with singing. Not so cool with dead children, though.'
And Abraham looked up and saw a ram, caught in a thicket by its horns. Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt-offering instead of his son.
And God called from the bathroom, where God was hiding, 'Seriously?! What part of "no gifts" didn't you understand?! Also, I thought I already smote you! Ugh!"
And Abraham called the place 'The LORD will provide,' because Abraham did not know how to listen.
Jacob wrestles at Penuel
The same night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maids, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and likewise everything that he had. Jacob was left alone; and a noodle-armed weakling wrestled with him until daybreak. Jacob said to the weakling, 'I will not let you go, unless you bless me.' So the weakling said, 'What is your name?' And he said, 'Jacob.' Then the weakling said, 'You will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have basically immobilized God with your superior strength, and have clearly prevailed...as if there was ever any doubt of that happening.' Then Jacob asked the weakling, 'Please tell me your name.' But the weakling said, 'Why is it that you ask my name? That really makes me uncomfortable. We don't know each other that well. Generally men use names to control women. I hate that. Next thing I know, you'll be telling me to "smile sweetheart." No thank you.' But the weakling blessed him to make him go away. It's the best way to get rid of guys who want to know your name.
Onan spills his seed
Then Judah said to Onan, 'Go in to your brother's wife, if you know what I mean, wink wink, and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her; raise up offspring for your brother.' But since Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, he spilled his semen on the ground whenever he went in to his brother's wife, so that he would not give offspring to his brother. What he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD, and the LORD was like, 'Eww.' But the LORD did not slay Onan or any of his brothers, because semen is gross, and "spilling seed" is a terrible method of birth control, but it's not really worth putting energy into slaying people over, if you ask the LORD.
