The continuing saga of the Israelites in the desert...if something had gone horribly wrong and I were in charge of the Chosen People, instead of the Lord God Almighty.
The Israelites Complain To Moses at Marah
Then Moses ordered Israel to set out from the Red Sea, and they went into the wilderness of Shur. They went for three days in the wilderness and found no water, for the LORD God was not so great at putting things away where they belonged, and had accidentally put the water in the wrong desert without even noticing, for lo, the LORD had been daydreaming.
When the people came to Marah, they could not drink the water of Marah because it was bitter. That is why it was called Marah. Go figure. And the people complained against Moses saying, 'What shall we drink?' He cried out to the LORD; and the LORD said, 'Seriously? You guys are so picky. Do you know that when I was your age, all I had was country well water. And all my friends got to drink fancy city water and water from a refrigerator. But you know what? I lived. And you will too.'
And so the people begrudgingly drank the bitter water, and lo, many of them fell gravely ill that day, because the LORD had failed to realize that "bitter" was just an old-timey Israelite way of saying "unsafe to drink." Oops.
Manna in the Desert
The whole congregation of the Israelites complained against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. The Israelites said to them, 'If only we had died by the awkward flailing of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the fleshpots and ate our fill of bread; for you have brought us out into the wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.'
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Oh shoot! I totally just spilled this whole bag of manna bread all over everywhere. Ugh! See? I'm a klutz! Why do I even bother existing? Might as well just let the atheists have this one! Ugh!'
And Moses cried out unto the LORD, 'Would you like me to help pick that up for you?'
And the LORD said, 'No. No, it's fine. Five second rule and all that. It's pretty much ruined now!'
So Moses and the people gathered the LORD's spilled snack and ate of the manna.
Then Moses said to Aaron, 'Say to the whole congregation of the Israelites, "Draw near to the LORD, for the LORD will most likely drop snacks again. For our God is an absent-minded God."'
The LORD at Mount Sinai
On the morning of the third day there was thunder and lighting, as well as a thick cloud on the mountain, and a blast of angsty indie folk music so loud that all the people who were in the camp trembled. Moses brought the people out of the camp to meet God. They took their stand at the foot of the mountain. Now Mount Sinai was wrapped in smoke, because the LORD had accidentally set some things on fire again; the smoke went up like the smoke of a kiln, while the whole mountain shook violently as the LORD crashed about, searching fruitlessly for just one pair of matching socks....just one! As the angsty indie folk music grew louder and louder, Moses would attempt to speak to God and God would respond with irritable grumbling. When the LORD descended upon Mount Sinai, to the top of the mountain, the LORD summoned Moses to the top of the mountain, and Moses went up.
Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Go down and warn the people not to break through to the LORD to look; otherwise many of them will perish in horror, for the LORD has not yet applied makeup, and the LORD's pores are unsightly, and greatly to be feared. So, too, are the dark under-eye circles of the LORD a terrifying sight.'
Moses said to the LORD, 'The people are not permitted to come up to Mount Sinai; for you yourself warned us, saying, "Set limits around the mountain and keep it holy. For the Almighty is introverting hard, and the alone time of the LORD is most sacred."' The LORD said to him; 'Go down, and come up bringing Aaron with you; but do not let either the priests or the people break through to come up to the LORD; for the LORD is the God of small, intimate friend groups. The LORD's social energy is drained with a holy quickness.' So Moses went down to the people and told them, and the Israelites rolled their eyes that day, for isn't introversion becoming the trendiest excuse for like, everything?
The Ten Commandments
Then God spoke all these words (so many words, and so quickly, it's a wonder anyone even keeps listening):
I am the LORD your God, who inadvertently made you to flee from the land of Egypt. You shall have no other Gods besides me. Because I'm pretty sure one of me is enough for anyone. Actually, I think we all know I'm probably not the most qualified. So if you want to find a better god, go for it! You're probably better off without me anyway. I'm kind of a mess.
You shall not make for yourself an idol. That sounds like a lot of unnecessary work. Also, I am a jealous God, and super whiny about being neglected. Bring me cheese offerings and celebrate the Festival of Naps, and we should be good, though.
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the LORD your God...aw, who am I kidding? I don't care. I'll answer to anything, and I honestly don't even care what you do with my name. It's fine. Whatever.
Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God, who is all about resting, and naps, and snuggly sleepy-time. Why do you people insist on being such busy bodies? For my sake, HOLD STILL. Just be quiet and stop wiggling. For just a single day. That's all I ask. Peace and quiet.
Honour your father and your mother, as long as they are honourable. But please do develop critical thinking skills. Don't just automatically assume that everyone in a position of authority is competent. For lo, that will most likely lead to your ruin.
You shall not murder. This dictate extends also to adorable sheep. We've been over this, but I want to take the opportunity to reiterate that I am dead serious about sheep murder.
You shall not commit adultery. That's just asking for drama. The last thing we need around here is more drama.
You shall not steal. Seriously. Someone just scammed their way into making fraudulent charges on my most holy credit card, and that was not cool. There are other ways of getting what you want. Maybe try those ways, and not the being-an-asshole ways.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Not a fan of that.
You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or ox, or donkey, or cheese, or nice clothes, or new car, or bank account, or successful career, or academic credetnials, or ability to be patient with their children, or manicure, or fancy vacation, or complete lack of clumsiness. Oh...wait. Wait. I'm projecting again. Sorry. Sorry. I should not covet those things. I need to work on that. I'm the worst. Ugh. Now I'm coveting my neighbor's self-esteem. Some day the LORD will be able to afford holy therapy. Someday.
